Not Myself After Midnight

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Dear Walter,

I have been going out lately alone, even though I’m in a committed relationship. My boyfriend is a homebody and I’m not. I like to go out, flirt and have a little fun. But sometimes when I get home I feel a little guilty. He starts asking me all these questions getting all paranoid. Then I get defensive and another argument happens. I don’t know what to do. Has this ever happened to you?

—Dancing Diva

Dear Dancing Diva,

So I met this dude in the club. One drunken night at a little place called Cobalt. Well into one year into my current relationship, I danced, and grinned on a stranger after switching from wine to vodka because the liquor’s quicker. Meow to me, because a bitch still gots it. As I write this my stomach is growling, but I can’t keep from smiling.

The infraction continues, then I had to audacity to let him put his number in my phone. And a week later, after finishing a bottle of Processco, high off weight loss, I decided to FaceTime him.

No answer.

So I texted him two minutes later as my one and only boyfriend rests soundly on the couch. A mess. I came to my senses an hour later and realized what I did was wrong. But again, as I write this I received a text with a photo of him, and I can only hope but wonder, is he cute?

Nope. And just like that I snapped out of it. It was fun and fleeting in the moment. Just a harmless flirtation. That’s all.

Hindsight is 20/20. And to be fair I wasn’t in my right state of mind. Reveries on the metro, the event still alive in my mind, now recorded on my iPad. This got me screaming Vangie, Vangie because I’m really feeling Bangie like a Brooklyn bottom with botched butt shots.

Who was I fooling, I would have gotten good work done. Come out like a Kardashian, popping out cute kids with Cartier bracelets. Let these moments wash over me.

I woke up the next day feeling shameless and almost famous. Coming alive only in the night time like Drake will have your ass in the back of an Uber, rushing during rush hour.

This is terrible advice.

Perhaps limit your time going out, or try going to different venues so he doesn’t feel insecure. Or you should try including him in things he likes to do.

If the compromises become too compromising, you can just dance like Lady Gaga until you’re dancing in your own like Robyn.

Love,

Walter

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